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Need Help Rider's Guilt

Penguinsfan82

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I would like to know if any other purveyors of this board suffer from Rider's Guilt. I am a normal, middle aged guy, 3 bikes in the garage, don't work most weekends, have a wife, 3 kids, home...etc. My issue is, as the title state's, Rider's Guilt. Motorcycling for me is a solo event most of the time. Occasionally my wife or daughter will ride along, but mostly it is about me taking time away form the family to do my own thing. Then I feel guilty and don't go for a while, which makes me a crabby person and that grows until I take another ride- which starts the guilt cycle all over again.

Does anyone else here deal with that? How do you deal with it?
 
Honest communication with my gal pretty much insures that there's no guilt about THAT – though I sometimes harbor a bit of guilt about some needless SPENDING ; } ...Fortunately I ride a LOT and actually use the stuff for the most part.
 
My wife and I have been together for almost 20 years, married for about the last 5. Early on in our relationship I used to chase the Adrenalin at a much higher rate than I do these days. I had a number of friends who were river guides in the New River gorge, every year the Upper gulley of the New River is opened up for 3 weekends of some pretty awesome rafting and one weekend of base jumping. For about a decade those weekends became a staple in my life and I loved it. My wife had even enjoyed coming on a couple of those rafting trips, until a good friend of ours was launched from one of the boats and resurfaced luckily with only minor injuries.
Early the next morning, I woke us up so that we could start to break down camp in an effort to make it for the day's rafting, when my wife informed me she was no longer intrested in going out on the river. This was hard for me to accept, as this was something that I really enjoyed and wanted her to enjoy as well. I'll never forget, and fondly remember her looking into my eyes and telling me that we are 2 different people entitled to our separate lives and that she looked forward to spending many years coming together to talk about what we both enjoyed within our own lives' experiences.
Up until last year, I had been away from motorcycles for about 15 years…? I recall my wife and I were having lunch together after receiving some bad news, when a motorcycle drove by and my glance drifted wistfully into the distance. My wife asked if I wanted a motorcycle still, you already know the reply, and she told me to see what I could do on a budget.
I realize we're not all so lucky to have partners who tell us to pursue our own interests (or the time/money), and that doesn't change the fact that I felt like a little bit of a dirtbag after spending 7 hours on the bike yesterday, time that I could have spent cutting down the 8 trees in the yard that have succumb to the ash borer, pulling and replacing the alternator in my truck, painting the hallway or affixing the final trim from the bathroom renovation that I did this winter, Not to mention when I have to tackle removing 2 layers of roofing and reshingling our home....
The truth as I see it is that life is too short, all of the cliche statements about stopping the smelling the roses and working less and enjoying more are cliche because they're true.
My wife and I enjoy spending a ton of our free time together, but we're not the same person and we certainly have lots of varied interests as well. At the end of the day, I treat her with respect, faithfullness, and we have fun together. I'm not a robot, and this world is much bigger than I'll ever have the opportunity to explore- but I've got to give it a whirl.
Balance is everything. When trying to decide, err on the side of 2 wheels more frequently for better sights, tell your loved ones how you feel and better yet show it, and If you still feel guilty, present your side of the story and ask if there's any reason to feel guilty… I think most reasonable answers should allow for a fair amount of ride time.
Granted I don't have 3 kids in the equation, so it might be easier said than done…
Smiles for miles make for happier households and lives.
 
Thank you for sharing that. I will say I am lucky to have a wife who not only understands all that you were saying, but is also a rider of her own bike. However, she doesn't want to ride as much as I do and that means if I go, she is home with the not so little young ones (11, 16 & 26). She encourages me to ride; but sometimes I just can't shake the guilt of doing something for myself-by myself.
But you are right, life is short, and I am a better person when I get a way for a bit and come back refreshed. I think I need to work on allowing me to have me time.
 
The way I look at it, if I never spend time away from my wife, we just become extensions of each other. No new, interesting things to talk about, as we were both there to see it. Which may be fine for someone with small children around (they ARE the new interesting things). The fact you get crabby about feeling guilty for riding is telling. You have to prioritize yourself at some point, and not feel bad about it. Moderation in all things, including moderation.
 
I was happily married for 14 years, unfortunately I was married for 23 years the last 9 I no longer owned a Motorcycle.
Been divorced for almost 20 years and have no desire to ever get married again. Her hobby was spending money we didn't have. It took me 4 years to rebuild my credit rating to where I could even think about getting another MC.
She did like to ride with me, even had her own bike for a while a Honda CM-185 Twinstar
 
Yep, rider's guilt here. Plus the fact that my wife worries about me riding a motorcycle. When I was single I rode about 10,000 miles a year. Married I average about 1,000 miles a year. She won't ride on back. I quit trying to talk her into it.
 
Yep, rider's guilt here. Plus the fact that my wife worries about me riding a motorcycle. When I was single I rode about 10,000 miles a year. Married I average about 1,000 miles a year. She won't ride on back. I quit trying to talk her into it.
I don't mind riding alone, usually do when I am working at the office and can commute on the NC. That gives me 10 "free" rides each week depending on the weather. I think missing that time and having everyone home all the time might just be getting to me!
 
As a good friend and mentor of mine said to me, about 30 some years ago, “F a bunch of guilt!” It will only make you and your family miserable. I take a few four or five days trips several times a year and a one month long motorcycle trip every five years. My wife of 23 years goes on day trips with me, but after two or three four day trips years ago, she chooses not to go with me on long trips or camping. I need my alone time and I to go visit family. If I didn’t, I would become grumpy as heck or depressed,. I need to go out and explore on the motorcycle. I’ve never stopped riding since 1975. Divorce made riding a necessity in order to go see my daughters. It was the only way I could afford it.
I am an explorer at heart and have never made that a secret. Accept me as I am or walk away from me is what I’ve always said since I was young. Two women changed their minds after a few years and my wife now accepts it and encourages me to be happy. Especially following significant progress on the never ending “Honey Do” list!
 
Great advice from all and glad to know I am not the only one in who has this problem. My guilt is self inflicted, just need to get over and take some time for myself now and then. It will make me a better husband and father in the end if I do.
 
I have been married for 30 years, 2 kids in now in the twenties. Currently I have three bikes, and for the past 6 years I have ridden 2-5K a year. I love riding alone, and my wife is very supportive of it, and I am typically in a better mood when I return. I'm fortunate to have a partner who understands that not everything needs to be together. For the past 5 years I have taken multiple week long rides up to Canada (I would love to go right now but the border is closed), my wife has been very supportive. 16 years ago I used to own a small Piper Warrior single engine plane. Talking to another pilot friend I mentioned that I always felt guilty about the expense of keeping the plane. His response was that you will never justify owning a plane financially, instead think of it as therapy , and he was correct.

I think of my riding as therapy. It makes be happier and it is important to me. Life is too short to feel guilty. I think it is good that you are aware of these feelings, perhaps share them with your wife/family.

Just my 2 cents.
-andy
 
No guilt here.

My wife knew I liked to ride before marrying me. Now having been married for let's just say a really long time, she still knows that. She has two scooters of her own (which I prodded her to get) and rides with me at times on the touring bike, but she encourages me to ride much more than she does, knowing that I like it and it is good therapy.

When dealing with a marriage, children, and a job, it’s a balancing act to work in some riding time. There is no doubt about that.

During child rearing years, my riding was limited to a one or two week camping trip per year, and occasional local rides. Now with an empty nest, and no job, I ride about as much as I care to, and we are both totally OK with it. Some years I ride 5000 miles, some I ride 15,000. We do many things together, and some things separately. It‘s all done with understanding, and there is no guilt.
 
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I had rider's guilt when I had a sportbike. Since I sold that and got my NCX and all the fixin's, she comes along with me on back road touring trips. We really enjoy travelling together and we find little villages that we didn't know existed. We stop for breaks at tiny cemeteries and look at the history. With the right suspension, seat and luggage (and now a trailer for longer trips) the NCX is a great bike for sharing the experience.
 
My wife rides her own bike and does enjoy the OCCASIONAL short trip; I think we just have different expectations for how much of our lives will be spent on the saddle. I don't blame her for the way I feel, I know it's a me issue.
I appreciate all the insight from all who contributed. It's good to know I am not the only one dealing with a little guilt and that it is ok to take time away to do something just for me.
Planning a trip Saturday morning to the top of Mount Mitchell in North Carolina...couple hours from home, so should be a great ride. The 750x will be in the shop, so the VTX gets called to duty this time.
 
With the excellent replies from everyone else, I think the only thing left to add is the simple fact that you can't miss your partner if you're always with them.

Spending some time alone makes the together-time more enjoyable.

When I come home from a ride I tell my fiancee about what I saw. The landscape, the people, the funny thing I remembered from three years ago when was reminded about it by passing a dilapidated barn.

I tend to be taciturn... but I don't shut up about bikes. Me riding gives us a lot to talk about
 
I tend to be taciturn... but I don't shut up about bikes. Me riding gives us a lot to talk about
My gal and I joke about this all the time. She likes to see the pics I bring back, and we talk about the bad drivers, the crazy areas I ride off-road, the historical/archaeological and geological rabbit holes I research for areas that interest me. In turn, I hear a lot more about botany and gardening and cooking, etc.
 
More great advice guys and actually hits close to home. We have been married 20 years (in two weeks), share a home, kids, even work at the same place. When evenings and weekends come around, I find more and more quiet time between us because there is nothing left to discuss. A little alone time is probably a wise investment in the relationship.
I bought her a new camera for Mother's Day, hoping by getting her busy with her interest, I will have more "free" time for mine.
 
The only thing for me that approaches what I _think_ you're feeling is this: I ride less than I'd like to, because I _want_ to spend time with my kids. My wife will ride with me, but she doesn't like to ride as much (really meaning as far) as I do. So, I can ride without her and there's no guilt. Plus, it gives us something to talk about when I get back. My kids are older, but not old enough to live on their own. I really enjoy spending time with them, but they aren't hot on riding. So, I don't take many long trips at all, because I want the limited time I have left with them.

I REALLY want to ride up to the Arctic Ocean. I have this sort of goal to touch all the oceans. I am unlikely to do that until my kids leave, though, because I know they'd like to go but no on the bike. It's okay. That one can wait a bit.

When they're grown and on their own, I won't feel bad about going for rides that my wife doesn't want to or cannot go on. It's healthy for each of us (you) to have our (your) own interests.
 
You hit something there, and maybe I am feeling the same thing. As much as I love to ride, of course, I love being with the wife and kids more.
I guess its a good problem to have.
Hope everyone enjoys the holiday weekend. RIde fast, take chances and stay safe!
 
Riding a bike is inherently selfish. Sure there's the being away thing, but it's mostly selfish because of the risks you're taking. It's your wife who will take care of you when you;re stupid from getting your head smashed.
 
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